While at a British university I experienced conflict leading to impotent rage. After a while I could not discern if I was imagining things or not. A referral from the campus doctor to see a consultant psychiatrist resulted in me receiving injections of Modicate which is a psychiatric drug for schizophrenia manufactured from modified snake venom. Returning to the city where I had been a dispatch rider and a homeless person, after a number of years I was baptised in an evangelical church. Later moving to a market town near to where my family lived I awoke from a dream of being tormented by a snake in a glass tank. My first thought and saving grace was that the snake symbolised the serpent and deception in the garden of Eden. Still feeling thwarted I started looking for metaphors or ideas to describe what I was feeling. I thought of myself of having been in a chemical mask for approximately thirty four years for reactions to my environment that were a natural response to stress and triggers. I had an attitude of indignation and feelings of being harassed after an arrest for drinking and driving which had happened in Bristol and ended my dispatch riding career and freedom on the road.
A chemical restraint over the decades led to me to reflect on some of a book I had read more recently called 'Challenges in psychology' by Richard Gross. In this book was a parallel about what psychiatry could be likened to. In the Medieval time lepers were exiled in Leper colonies, but today leprosy can be effectively treated with antibiotics, and some forms of leprosy are now known as not being contagious. Another period of history saw witches being burnt at the stake for maybe picking herbs or natural remedies, or being thought of consorting with the devil. Today a similar unenlightened attitude or path is that of psychiatry with a chemical mask to subdue my behaviour becoming a nondescript entity without a voice. In recent years after reading 'The great escape' by Paul Brickhill, and watching the film of the same name, seeing myself as a fugitive and being patient for the right moment to break free has given me some hope. The story of courage and determination in the face of adversity has been an inspiration to me offering ideas of how to resist the feeling or idea that my will is being broken. Sometimes I feel I have been the last person standing after an onslaught against my senses and beliefs. There have been times when I felt that what I have said or done has been manipulated to fall in line with other peoples beliefs. I could use expressions like brain washing or mind control programs, but I will preface these with a disclaimer that I feel like a drowning man clutching at straws so that I will not be detained again. Here the film Papillon springs to mind and a conversation concerning this story I had with a history teacher who had a history degree from Norwich university. He is no longer around and I wonder that if a teacher with cognitive awareness has been caught out and possibly a casualty of a forced suicide , and another teacher with similar abilities passing away not knowing the full account of my medical history. I have been learning an online course entitled 'Behaviour that challenges' with its content on meeting my needs at the second level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs which concerns personal security. This is resistant to insight lacking an empathetic response from other people with regard to being treated with dignity to dispel a feeling (the weighing up and subsequent acceptance or rejection of an idea) of being intimidated and / or punished by a threat of a restrictive intervention being used.
Here is a blog of mine that has given me hope with being a voice on an open internet http://northdevonufogroup.blogspot.com/
The next time a practice the two thirds of the Tai Chi short form that I know, I will try to be more mindful of the 'Snake creeps down' posture.
De-escalation after being agitated results in being re-agitated.I hope to find a channel for my negativity.
At the moment I feel defensive about validating my self-concept concerning a suspicion of being a victim of male rape because the incident took place in my sleep and I have no way of giving an account of what happened. This leaves me feeling I may not be believed and made to feel foolish and humiliated which would impact on my self-esteem in the long term. It seems to be retroactive in that reaching out will possibly result in me experiencing more emotional harm.
